For the final chapter of this series – Dewitt’s Exposition – I would like to delve deep and discuss something that is core. I am a man of constant, though fearless of change, which ultimately means that I thrive in certainty. But, here is the crux, because I thrive in certainty, uncertain situations causes me incredible struggle and pain. It doesn’t so much affect the ordinaries, such as university or jobs, but it does take its toll on one particular thing: relationships. More specifically the preface of dating.
In my age, the whole concept of dating is to figure out who is best suited for you – your personality, your beliefs, and your nuances. You look, you search, and you identify the intrinsic values of each person you meet and determine their suitability. Will they naturally blend with you or will you have to put extra effort in understanding how they interact? Will they strive for the same basic objectives in life? Will they love you unconditionally? All of these questions, and more, run through your mind as if nudging you closer to your conclusion. And it is all well and good – all is fair – until you realise this one very crucial thing: it’s a two player game. You could well come across a person who you think is perfect yet in their eyes, you’re merely average. Your heart goes out to them, hoping to see a return in the image of their own heart, and yet you end up broken. This is the uncertainty that I fear, and yet my stubbornness to find my partner continually pushes me to search despite the risks.
You might ask me why. Why must I search? It is because I have to. I feel like it’s a quality in me that is fundamental, and does not even quantify as a want. In my entire life, I have always performed better in every aspect of life when I know that my significant other was with me – or to be secure in knowing they’re mine. I had felt this twice in my lifetime, though, unfortunately, both of those times I was tricked into thinking that I was secure when ultimately they were purely using me as a stepping stone. It was incredibly painful, but it also made me that much stronger.
With the prospects of life in 2017, I know it is inevitable that I will find another opportunity to hurt. I will see the good in a person and be drawn to wanting to get to know them and invest in who they are. I will inevitably choose to love them unconditionally and share with them every little bit of who I am – because that’s just me. Perhaps the only problem is this: how far does one go? How broken is too broken? And is there a means to an end for my approach to dating? I’m yet to find out.
In the end, this is what I know. Though the hurt is there; though the struggle is real; and though my heart bleeds every single time something worthwhile doesn’t come to fruition, in the end – oh, that faithful end – all of those struggles, all of the pain and all of the disappointments, I know I will happily live through them all again just to be in that same place where I get to meet her.
I sincerely do hope you’ve gotten a glimpse of who I am – Dewitt Valentino. It has been a pleasure to have created a small series dedicated to an exposition to my personality and my heart. This last post was a long one, and rightly so, but I felt like it was worth every second.